Moms need love too

Did you know that there are about 14 million single parents here in the U.S. today? They are responsible for raising 21.6 million of our nation’s children. (based on 2005 census statistics released in 2007)

As astounding as that statistic reads, it doesn't suprise me at all. Within the last couple years, I have found myself unknowningly becoming a part of a culture that may not have national holidays or qualify me for equal-opportunity employment, but does have it's own foundation of survival in today's world: Single Parenting.

Once my divorce was final, I didn't set out to surround myself by other single parents. Yet somehow it just happened. Today, two of my best friends are single moms. And I even know my fair share of single dads that are adding to the mix. We grab coffee or the occassional coctail and invariably our conversation turns to our children and the challenges of raising them alone, with only the first, third and fifth weekends to regain our own identities back.

Of course not everyone has the standard divorce or the standard visitation schedule. And unlike me, some of my friends actually GET ALONG with thier ex. They take vacations together with the thier children and split parenting up in such an agreeable manner, that you wonder why they even divorced. (Obviously the culture of "single parenting" is a varied and complicated one).

I can't even have a 5 minute conversation with my ex-husband without needing mood-enhacing medication or a drink afterwards. (kidding, kinda).

The challenges go beyond just splitting visitation and obtaining effective communication with your ex. They encompass finding time to work full-time while still balancing laundry (mine usually gets clean, but doesn't always make it into drawers or closets), cooking healthy meals (chicken nuggets have protien - that's healthy right?), and finding time to actually interact with your children among all the chores and work (we like to play the wii together, even if it gives me motion sickness half the time). And at the end of the day, when you tuck them into their beds (that reminds me, I really need to wash their sheets this weekend while they are at their dad's)... you can take a deep breath and KNOW it's all worth it. THEY are worth it.

But let's talk about those "free" weekends. If you are a single parent like me, you are torn emotionally between worry, anxiety and sadness about those weekends apart and relief and guilt because you really NEED that time away from them. When else can you grocery shop without grubby little hands throwing random junk into the cart? Those weekends are the only time I have to get the rare mani/pedi or haircut, go out for lunch with adults and not have to remind someone to use their table manners. (Okay sometimes I still remind my adult friends to use table manners. Turning the "mom brain" off is harder than you think. It usually takes me atleast 2 glasses of wine.) And I will admit it the hard fact is sometimes I only get through the week with the kids because I know my free weekend is coming up.

Eventually what happens is this: you begin to feel the urge to date again. Maybe the stress of the divorce allowed you to lose that 30 lbs of baby fat you have been carrying for 5 years. You feel better without the extra wieght of not only that baby fat, but also the emotional baggage that you carried around with you during your marriage and dumped once that decree was signed. You feel like you can reinvent yourself and your life and maybe that PERFECT PERSON is out there for you.

My friends have traversed into the many mediums of dating. Match.com, eHarmony, church groups aimed at single adults and even stalking the health food aisle at the grocery store.

Dating can be a confusing and exciting time in anyone's life, but for the single parent, it is rife with second-guessing, self-depreciation, guilt, unrequited desire and personal agony. Sounds fun huh? Ha. Seriously, it CAN be. But it can also be complete misery.

One of the first challenges I faced was actually meeting people worthy of dating. My entire social network was comprised of other married couples that use to attend dinner parties with my ex and I. Now I was the stereotypical "third wheel." Ugh. Not fun.

In my twenties, I would just grab a single girlfriend and we would head to a local watering hole and find eligible bachelors to buy us drinks. In my 30's, there were no single girlfriends... and even if there was, going to the bar and talking it up with strangers over drinks wasn't really as appealing anymore. Trust me. I tried it. I usually just came home feeling depressed and old.

I have a good friend that did the whole on-line dating thing. It was great for her, cause when her child wasn't around, she really didn't feel like cooking. So she would just arrange for a date, usually with a succesful business man, and head to a fancy restaurant for a free meal. All she had to do was shower, put some make up on and make conversation. She rarely went out with anyone on a second date, because that's when the pressure was put on for more, and that's not what she wanted... she just wanted company over dinner and some good food. It worked for her. And occassionally her fabulousness would draw someone in to want more, but usually once she made it clear that her daughter came first and always would, the male ego went screaming out of the room. You would think she had a communicable disease, not just an adorable child at home. She went into each potential date/relationship letting the other person know the expectations and where they stood and it worked for her. She weeded out the guys that weren't in it for the same things she was, and it helped her realize what was important to her in a relationship.

Now, you may not have that same sense of self confidence. I will admit, this particular friend is in a league all her own when it comes to men and dating. She knew from the get-go what she wanted and where her priorities were. Not all of us are that certain or steadfast in our goals. But it certainly helps if you have a good idea of what they are. Even if you do tweek them along the way.

Another woman I know has two teenage sons. She has basically been single since the youngest was a baby. Now they are both grown and nearly out of the house and she finds herself with an identity again - one outside of "business woman" and "working mom." She chose a long time ago to focus her time and energy on her career and her boys and not let dating be a priority. However, now she is entering a new phase in her life, one that allows her to enjoy the possibility of finding Mr. Right. But after being out of the dating pool for so long, how do you recognize Mr. Right in the midst of the overabundance of Mr. Right-Nows? Especially when you are out of practice and looking for the training wheels.

Yes. I just compared dating to riding a bike. Geez, here comes the standard cliches, right? Ha. I promise I won't go there. Actually, I say skip the bike... get a motarized scooter and stop working so hard. Ha.

Don't go out seeking men/love/sex out. It will only end in frustration on your part. Realize that there is so much at stake when you date as a single parent. What is the saying "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Well, just think how a broken ego or heart is going to affect your parenting. Kids are very intuitive. So be smart about dating to protect the emotional security of not only yourself, but your children too.

1. Know what you want and what you are willing to give. Obviously your kids come #1. There are going to be those guys out there that will say "Just get a sitter, come out with me for drinks on Wednesday." Wiegh what you are giving up. Time with your children. Money for the sitter. Maybe you are spreading yourself too thin. Don't compromise yourself or your ideals for your life, just to have a man be a part of it.

2. Make a plan for how serious you are willing to get if you do meet someone with potential. How long will you have to date before he can (a) sleep over, (b) meet your children, (c) meet your family, (d) move in. Think about these things NOW before you start dating so you aren't caught off gaurd when the conversation comes up. And once you make those decisions, stick to your convictions about them. You know what is best for your family and when someone should be allowed into the inner sanctum. Don't compromise that for anyone.

3. Don't let your children get lost in the newness of a relationship. It's easy to take their love and presence for granted and want to be a little selfish for once. I mean, you have probably given up a LOT for them throughout their life. It is time for you to focus on yourself and your happiness, but don't forget that this can be a confusing and scary time for them too. Make sure they KNOW that THEY are your first priority. Don't break plans with them to go on a date. Try and limit your conversations with that significant other until after they are in bed, or while they are doing something else, so they don't feel like they have to compete for your attention. When it's time for them to meet the special guy, sit them down and prepare them for it. Explain how special this person is, but remind them that you love them more than anything and they will always come first. And most of all, don't confide in them about your relationship. Remind them that they are children and their job is to have fun, not to worry about mommy.

4. Have fun. Don't rush into something deep and serious straight away. Pick someone to hang out with that shares your interests and basic foundation about life. Enjoy the conversation, do new things, be open to this new exerience, but don't jump into anything too quickly.

5. Be Careful and Trust your Instincts. Do your research. It may seem ultra paranoid to run a background check on someone you are dating, but do it anyways. Google them. Look up their address and see who else lives there. Look up their facebook and myspace or other social network. Be aware of the way they present themselves to others and if it's in line with what you want. He could be married, he could be a registered sex offender, he could just be some unemployed loser looking for a meal ticket. I am not saying to be distrustful, just be aware. The worst thing you can do is fall in love with someone only to find out they are not who they presented themselves to be. Statistically, married men do NOT leave their wives for their mistresses. And even if they do, statistically it means they will probably cheat on you as well. It's best that you don't even find yourself on that path. Protect you and your children before you invest your heart into it.

6. Establish your intimacy rules. Will you let your new paramour spend the night? Hold hands or kiss in front of the kids? These are the questions you need to ask yourself when you find someone that you want to get serious with. Obviously, staying over is not something you would want to allow with someone you are only casually dating. So think about those things first and make your mind up before you find yourself compromising your own convictions in a moment of passion.

If you find the right person to move forward with in a relationship, it can be fulfilling and exciting. For you and your kids. Just know what to expect up front, communicate that to your potential partner and reassure your children of your love for them at every possible moment.

Happy Dating!

Liberal Conservative or Conservative Liberal? Just American.

Most of the people who know me will tell you I am no bleeding heart liberal. I have great respect for the ideals that our country was founded on and believe the basis of what our founding leaders wanted was personal responsibility and freedom and limited goverment. I will admit, I was in the minority and didn't vote for Obama. I felt his foundational campaign was based on ideals contrary to personal responsiblity and led to a dangerous slippery slope of goverment involvement.

Since he was elected and sworn into office, I've been very quite on my typically open political views. I wanted to take a "wait and watch" stance to see what happened. My hopes were that I judged Prez Obama too harshly during his campaign. I wanted to give him chance to ignite "hope" into our nation again.

Billions of dollars later in bailouts... I have to say I am less than enthused, but not as disappointed in his leadership as I once feared. There is no doubt that he truly loves this country and wants what is best. I won't argue that, even if I don't always agree with his methods. Personally I think he got in office and probably said to himself "Whoa, what did I get myself into?!"

Ha. Well it's what I would have said to myself anyways.

He's done a decent job of balancing moderate change with re-evaluating his campaign promises to reflect more practical actions. That has been a huge relief to me, as a conservative.

And walking through our nation's capital last weekend, I see positive changes everywhere within our society... and most of them can be directly related to the liberal movement in our country. Energy conservation and the "Green" movement are both good examples. Do I enjoy recycling or unplugging all the appliances in my house when I am not using them? Not really. But there is a sense of accomplishment knowing I am doing something good for our world (and my electric bill is less of a sticker shock these days too - added bonus!). I am no "bleeding heart liberal" but I fully embrace this movement towards conservation and environmental responsibility.

Secondly, I won't get into religion on a public blog - but I am a traditional Protestant Christian. I believe in the Bible - and not in a symbolic kind of way, but in a LITERAL kind of way. However, I think God intended us to be forgiving and tolerant and loving of our fellow man and woman, no matter what thier choices and whether it was considered a "sin" or not. It's heartening to see people of different ethnicities, religious backgrounds, and sexual orientations able to live in harmony and openly in our world, without ridicule and abuse. We all know that wasn't the case even just a mere decade ago.

I can sit here all night and tell you how my conservative right-wing head has been softened by the sappy liberal side of my heart, but I will spare you. Instead I will say, I think deep down we can all find common ground - whether the topic is goverment & politics, religion or some other hot topic of the day. I wish we could all stop looking at ourselves by the labels we carry, but instead just see the heart inside and the good intentions.

Because at the end of the day, that's what the founding fathers of the U.S.A wanted... they signed a document declaring that we should each have the right to make our country what we need and wanted it to be and have a say on how to make that happen.

Stop to Taste the Rain

Its been another crazy and busy month in our household. We had two more birthdays in our family. Nate turned the Big 5, and well I got another year older too. No need to reveal my REAL age. Ha.

Speaking of age, I have to tell you something funny that Jenna said to me the day before my birthday. She was asking how old I was, and I asked her "Can I just pretend I am still 29?" Her reply was "But you aren't and that would be lying."

I paused and thought a moment. I mean, yes, honesty is the best policy and all of that, but isn't there room in their moral upbringing for a little "white" lie? And the lesson of when to affectively use it?

"What if I just stop having birthdays this year and then we won't count them anymore? That way when someone asks me how old I am, I can just say 'I have celebrated 34 birthdays."

Oops, I guess I just told ya how old I am. Hmph.

Anyways, Jenna tilted her head sideways and grinned. I could see she saw the sneakiness of my logic, but was approving. "But MOM, you are YOUNG... why don't we keep having your birthday until you are 59 and then you can stop," Jenna stated. I chuckled in response and asked why 59 was the magic age. "Because that is how old Nonna is [my mom] and she's still young too."

Wow, she was really buttering up two old gals today, wasn't she?

But really, that's just how Jenna views the world... she knows how to stop and enjoy the moment. Relish whatever stage you are at and not rush to the next one. She is a lot like me that way. Always looking ahead, but not forgetting to look around either and appreciate what is right next to you.

For Nate's birthday, we drove to Florida again. The visit was shorter, but just as much fun. One day at the beach, some dark clouds rolled in and we waited until the last possible moment to pack it up and head in for the day. All at once the clouds opened and dumped rain on us. The kids came running in from the tide and as I waited, I watched Jenna stop, turn her head into the rain and stick her tongue out. She had stopped to taste the rain.

Of course Nate was dripping wet from playing in the ocean, but still felt the need to run from the pouring drops as if each one was going to scald his skin. That's my boy... he tends to run away from new experiences. He likes the comfort of home and routine and will avoid change like... well like the rain on a pretty day.

I can learn something from both of them however. Jenna in her innocence, stopped to take the rain in, rather than run from it... and like her, I want to learn to enjoy what is around me, find peace and joy in things that scare me or disrupt my day. Nate, he is more attached to his routine and is afraid of change, but there is something to be said for caution in life, because there are times when the storm is coming in and you SHOULD seek shelter from it. The key is learning to find balance between the two.

Amazing what you can learn from a 7 and 5 year old. Even at 34. (And hopefully even when I am 59, and stop having birthdays).

One day at a time

Forgiveness is a word I've known and lived since the earliest moment I can remember. If you have read my blog in the past, you know that my life has been one full of betrayal by important people in my life. But you also know that I have no regrets, as each moment taught me something about myself and others. Each moment gave me strentgth and greater understanding about life and love.

Tomorrow I turn 34 years old. By some standards, I am in my prime. By others, I am heading over "that" hill. Do I feel my 34 years? Yes and no. I hope I don't look it. Ha.

At this age, it can be easy to get wrapped up in the "what ifs", broken dreams and promises, and feel negativity about where life has taken you. I am guilty of succombing to such self-defeating thoughts a time or two. It's so much easier to curl up on a lonely night with a bottle of wine and cry bitter tears about where life has taken you. It's easier than holding your head high and putting together a plan to still achieve the dreams of your youth, if it's still what you want from life.

So on the eve of 34, I am asking myself what dreams are still pertinant. What do I want to be when I grow up? Where do I want my life to go? How has life shaped and prepared me for what is ahead? Who do I want to share the path with? Who is in my life that creates unnecessary baggage and should be left behind in the past?

I feel good about what is in front of me. I don't have all the answers. I don't know what God has in store for my life. But I know that with a positive attitude, a little faith and hard work... whatever life brings me will be just right.