Language - It's meaning has POWER

I've been thinking a lot lately about language.  We are inundated by it daily.  TV, Radio, our friends, our family, our co-workers... even magazines, the internet, Facebook, Pinterest and Twitter play into my thoughts.  And as parents, we are the first examples of language for our children.  You know, that group of shorties that represent our future world leaders?

My children are 10, 8 and 7 months.  The oldest one is starting to experiment with language as a pre-teen (and mostly failing to grasp the influence she has over her brothers by using it), my middle child is learning about language in his speech classes to fix a slight lisp, and my youngest is just simply LEARNING about language because he can't talk yet.

Our language, the words we use, the body language we convey it with, even the cell phone texts/tweets/facebook messages we send... have POWER.

The other day my middle was acting a little nutty (as he sometimes does do to his ADHD and being a BOY).  I caught myself as I started to say "Settle down, you are acting like a ..." wait, did I really almost call my son a 'TARD?!?!  Where the heck did that COME from??  I am hugely against using negative words in everyday slang... like "TARD", "That's GAY", "Don't be a Baby!"... to me these are taking very special people in our world and saying they are "bad" because we use their titles in negative language.  And here I was, about to say something that I was 100% fundamentally against. 

Again.  I asked myself, WHERE did this come FROM?  How did it so easily jump into my head and almost out of my lips?!  

All I can think is that we are inundated with language from the time we get up until the time we go to bed.  I read hundreds (maybe thousands) of status updates on Facebook and Twitter each day.  I read magazines, watch the news and a select few TV shows and listen to radio nearly all day.  Words are constantly entering my head and ears in almost unconscious ways.  I know I've heard teens call each other 'Tards and exclaim "that's so gay!" at least daily via social media and other communication vehicles.  It's possible that these phrases don't even register in my brain anymore, they are like hearing "I had a crappy day today", "That was so cool, it was the SHIT", "Damn I am hungry!" ... or like my 10 year old gets chastised for saying almost daily: "That's friggin stupid!" 

But I want to put a stop to our numbing response to negative language.  I don't want my kids to think it's okay to use slang to hurt others, even in unconcious ways.

And I want to remove these and other words from my vocabulary as well.  It goes further than just cursing (which I need to work on as well).  I want to go back to the mantra, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all".  Is it really necessary to scream at the driver that just cut you off in traffic?  He can't hear you.  And you don't know what his day was like.  Maybe he's rushing from work to spend time with his wife that is in the hospital.  Or maybe his kid just got hurt at baseball practice and he needs to get there quickly.  Granted, maybe he is just a jerk that thinks his time is more valuable than yours, but regardless, screaming a malicious name or statement at him doesn't do anyting to fix him, and instead might be influencing your kids in negative ways when they hear you.  Next time your son pushes your daughter to get to the sink first to wash hands, is it okay for her to say "Hey stupid!  Watch where you are going!" ??  No, you don't want her to say that, so really we should say it either.  Right?

 

Here is my challenge.  Start listening to your words.  Pause before you speak, before you type the next status update or tweet.  Is the words you are conveying positive in nature?  Do they have unnecessary adverbs?  Isn't it just as easy and effective to say "Today wasn't my favorite, hoping tomorrow is better" as it is to say "Today was a piece of crap and I friggin' hope tomorrow doesn't suck too"?   

Furthermore,  I challenge parents take a more active role in what your kids are watching, listening to and saying themselves.  It's no fun being the UNCOOL parent, but it's our job to filter and sensor our children until they are old enough to make judgements about the world through a foundation of values and morals that WE as PARENTS instill in them.  My hope is when they aren't with you, and they are tempted to watch and say things you don't approve of, they will use that foundation to make good decisions about language. 

I am working on it day-by-day and word-by-word.  I am doing it because our children are listening, watching and mimicking who we are, how we act and what we do.  Do we want our future to be influenced by a bunch of kids that learned what the world was about via Spongebob Squarepants, Family Guy and Futurama? 

In this world of anti-bullying campaigns, gun-control law debates and mental illness at an all time high, maybe the answer is simple.  Language, my friends, has POWER.  Power to tear down and power to build up.  Power to teach and power to alienate.  Power to share love and power to spur on hate.  Let's put LOVE back in our language.  

Let's teach our children to use language to communicate that love to everyone they meet.  The new kid in school.  The grouchy teacher that yells in class.  The younger sibling that annoys them daily.  The kid that seems different and uncool.  The adult that seems angry and sad.  The grandparent that everyone forgets to visit.  

By teaching our kids these important lessons, we might even learn something ourselves.  We might even like who we become as a result.  At the very least, people around us will be happier, and so will we. 

Find laughter in everything.

Nate: So, Mom, that one judge on American Idol... Pepper? She doesn't like Simon does she?

Me: You mean Posh Spice?

Nate: Oh yeah, Spice.

Me: (snicker...haha... Pepper) Yeah, she did seem annoyed with him didn't she?

Nate: I know!

Just another day full of chuckles with my Monkey. Had to share that little convo tonight, as it was just too cute not to.

I have a bunch of ideas for articles churning in my head, but life is a whirlwind and I haven't had two seconds to put pen to paper (or hands to keyboard, as the case may be). I promise to be better with blogging and writing this year, despite the fact my photography business is thriving. It has truly become my new passion and I am having so much fun with it. Be sure to go check out the newborn shots I did right after the new year on my photography blog (www.luckystardesigns.net). She was one adorable baby.

This weekend I am taking a break from the crazy pace of life and heading off to D.C. Looking forward to hitting up Georgetown for my favorite pizza place and maybe even a little 80's and 90's music at one of the little pubs. I will get some work in too, I am sure, but it will be nice to get away for the weekend too.

When I come back, I plan on putting together a workshop for learning Photoshop basics if anyone local is interested. Let me know. I'll post in more details about it on the photography blog later this month.

Hope everyone is having a great year! Be sure to reply with some articles you would like to see in the next couple of months. I'd like to merge some of my single-mom advice and some of my photography and design skills to put some articles together that teach you how to take better pictures of your kids, crafts you can do with kids, and even create your own holiday cards and scrapbook gifts. What else would you like to see?

Still my favorite times of year...

Since we'll be on the east coast for Christmas, the kids and I enjoyed a lovely early Christmas dinner at the folks house. It was just like the one's growing up and it's so fun to watch my kiddos experience the same traditions.

First off was the setting of the table and enjoying grace before digging into turkey, cranberry sauce (which surprisingly Jenna LOVED), mash potatoes, green beans and sweet potatoes. And of course my favorite, hot buttery rolls. Admit it, you are hungry now aren't you? I am just mad I forgot to bring some leftover turkey home for my late night turkey sammich. Bummer. We also prayed Papa will be home by Christmas, as I got a late night call saying that it is a possibility he won't be. We are trying to keep faith though and not get too heartbroken yet.

Next was the awesomeness of making and decorating cookies. Excuse the quality of the pics, taken with my iphone because I forgot the Nikon at home tonight in my frenzy to wrap and load Christmas gifts into the car along with two very excited children.

Finally, after much begging and pleading, we dived into the passing out of gifts (yes, Jenna and Nate were doing the begging, not me or my sister Megan! Ha. Okay well not too much anyways).

The kids were adorable, as they were more excited about the gifts they gave than what they were getting. I had taken them earlier that day with $8 each to "The Dollar Tree" and a list of people to get for and let them loose to choose what they wanted to get. They had sooooo much fun finding unique and fun things for everyone.

The prized purchases were probably the Jeff Gordan poster that Nate picked out for Papaw and the wine glasses Jenna got for me, Megan and Joe. Mine was the fake Uggs for my mom, she loved them! The funniest was the silly string that Nate got his Uncle Joe... because he's a "prankster". I think Megan was happy I had veto'd the air horn he WANTED to get Joe. LOL.

Nate got an awesome Charades game for kids and we all played it. It was so much fun and many laughs were had by all. We got some good video of it too that I plan to post to youtube or facebook soon. I am still giggling.

The only sad part was missing Aunt Misty, Uncle Chris and little Chase. Hopefully next year we will all be together. Seeing the cousins play on Christmas morning will be like being a kid all over again, I am sure.

I am off to cuddle with the kids and watch some Nutcracker Ballet on TV. The kids love it as much as I do. Next two days will be crazy with our whirlwind of packing to get ready for our trip.

Next stop is Disney and the beautiful Christmas Lights, stringing popcorn and cranberries for the Christmas Tree, and awaiting the arrival of the big guy.... Papa (oh and Santa too). Haha.

Be Merry

I know... I know... I suck at blogging these past few months. I assure you I miss it and I feel like my creative brain is begging me to get some writing in.

Many of you know that I have been in a legal battle with my ex for a long time, so that has also hampered my writing, as anything "can and will be used against you" in a court of law (ha). Therefore, my creative energy feels extremely censored under that kind of negativity.

I write about my memories, my life... what I've learned and experienced. Much of that is being put on hold right now, so I apologize for feeling less than inspired these days.

But that all being said, life is good. Better than good. It's GRRRR-REAT! (Yes, I invoked some Tony the Tiger there... I hang out with the under 10 crowd entirely too much these days).

The kiddos are keeping me busy (and happy) with all the holiday madness. I think 7 and 5 are the perfect age for Christmas. Old enough to understand the true meaning of the holidays, but young enough to still believe in it's magic as well.

We went to see Santa the other day at the Bass Pro Shop in Grapevine. They do such an awesome presentation of Santa and other fun things for kids. I am really impressed each year when we go, especially when you consider it's ALL FREE! The Santa pictures, playing with the lazer rifle game, the electric racecars, even the horse drawn carriage outside. And as a photographer, I loved it because the photo ops there were ENDLESS.

I strapped on my trusty Nikon D90, geared the kids up in hats, scarves and gloves and off we went. Three hours later I had about 100 pictures and two very happy but tired kiddos. I also had a little boy that went from wanting a Nintendo DS from Santa to wanting a Red Rover B-B gun (oi vey!) and a little GIRL who instead of wanting anything girly, wants a fishing pole and a crossbow in pink camo. Well, atleast that will make their soon-to-be stepdad happy, since he's an avid outdoorsman. But mama bear is LESS than pleased. I think I am outnumbered though.

This time of year always reminds me of our Christmases growing up. We never had much, but I still remember it being magical, no matter what we found under the tree that morning. I was never disappointed, as whatever Santa brough seemed to be JUST right. I hope my own kids will have the same memory about Christmas when they grow up.

This year, instead of digging out all the ornaments and doing the "fancy" tree, we plan on getting a REAL tree and making all of our decorations. I am really looking forward to this. We are going to string cranberries and popcorn and make construction paper and ribbon ornaments. Hang candy canes and paper chain garland. I am excited about our "Charlie Brown" tree. Of course I will be there taking pictures to make sure we have the memories captured forever. But I hope the feeling of family togetherness will burn in the kid's memory as well. This will be our first Christmas in our blended family and we are all looking forward to it so much.

Okay, enough holiday rambling... I thought it would be fun to share some of your favorite/memorable childhood "Santa Gifts". Here are a few of mine. Be sure to comment and post yours as well!

1. Age 7 - royal blue blowdryer (I was BIG time with my own blowdryer for my curly hair! Ha)
2. Age 12 - A cassette tape (NOT dubbed from the radio) of Poisen "Look what the Cat drug in"
3. Age 15 - A CD player and black knee high boots (I was cool I tell ya)


Have a merry Christmas and Happy (but SAFE) New Year all my friends. I promise to be more faithful to my blog in 2010. (I won't even put it on my resolutions list, so that way I REALLY WILL do it) LOL.

xoxo

How I survived the first year of being a single mom

(cross posted from Single Parenting Examiner)

You can be a SUPER Mom too!

Mother's Day is around the corner and it got me to thinking about how I take for granted what an important job I do each day. Not my jobs as a writer, photographer, event planner or web designer... I am talking about the under-appreciated but elite status of "Mommy".

Let's rewind a bit before I get to my main point of this article, which is sharing with you all how I survived the first year of being a single parent... I want to tell you about what life was like before I was doing this job solo.

I remember my first mother's day like it was yesterday. It was so exciting to me. My daughter had JUST turned one (the DAY before actually). I was excited to see what my dear husband would present me with that morning. My daughter came toddling into the room (just having learned to walk) and presented me with a card. My husband was behind her with a big proud smile on his face and a beautifully wrapped gift in his hands.

Here it was. My moment of appreciation for my first year on the job. I opened the card and read the Hallmark choice my spouse had picked for me and the tiny scribble at the bottom that my daughter had carefully drawn. I felt tears burn the back of my eyes at this long awaited moment. And then confusion muddled my brain as I saw the note from him at the bottom: "Mama! Make me some rice!"

I understand now that in his own way that this was his way of being funny, his answer later was "Hey, you're not MY mom." However, at the time I was so disappointed when I opened the beautiful gift to find an ordinary old rice steamer. My first mother's day gift. A kitchen appliance that I didn't even really need. Sigh.

Now years later, I see that first mother's day would be symbolic of the years ahead of me. A husband that would never really "get" nor "appreciate" me (which is one of the many reasons he is an EX-husband now, ha)... children that wanted nothing more than to see me smile, even if it was just from a scribble at the bottom of a paper... and that the demands of motherhood would always come before personal happiness and freedom, but would often lead to it anyways.

Later that day, I DID make Jenna some rice in our new steamer, and we had fun figuring it out together and eating some rice and chicken as a family. Despite my disappointment, it ended up being a meaningful and memorable day.

So, in honor of mother's day, I am going to share with you the top 10 things you should focus on when starting out down the path of being a Single Super Mom:

1. Adjust your expectations.
   If you are like me, you will want to maintain the same standard of living you had when you were a two-parent and two-income family. You will quickly learn that you cannot exist with the same levels of expectations you had when you were a duo... you are now a solo super mom... the house will be messier, your bank account will have a lower balance, you will be more tired, more stressed, find less time for yourself. Your kids will be naughtier. You will get less sleep. You will work harder than you ever have in your life. You will NOT complete your first year as a single parent as the same person you started it... It WILL change you. So go into it expecting change and adjustment around every corner and you will be much better off with that reality in your mind. (recommended site: www.singlemom.com)
2. Surround yourself with a strong network of friends and family.
   So many women find themselves alienating themselves after a divorce or separation. This is partly because friends can be the worst casualty of a divorce. It's hard for friends of couples to pick sides, so often they don't... they just lose touch. But you will find out who your REAL friends are during this time. They are the ones that pick up the phone and call for no other reason than to check on you. They are the ones that offer to babysit so you can have an hour to grocery shop by yourself. They are the ones that will bring a casserole for the kids and a bottle of wine for you and offer to let you sit and drink the wine while she feeds the kids. Don't push these friends away, even if your instinct is to hibernate from the world at first. These are the people that will help you up when you are down. And you will need supportive friends and family as you journey through single parenting more than you ever have before in your life. (recommended sites for staying in touch with friends and family: Facebook, Gmail, share photos on-line Photobucket, keep in touch by creating a blog at Blogger or Vox).
3. Carve out time for yourself.
   Even married moms find themselves losing their own identities in the midst of motherhood. You go to sleep one night a strong independent and creative woman one night and find yourself waking up with no other identity than butt and nose wiper, housekeeper, short order cook and taxi driver. And once you become a single parent, there is no one to share these duties with, so you find yourself hitting the floor running from the time you wake up, until the time you hit the sack late that night. Find a good sitter and book her at least once a month for a couple of hours. The kids will enjoy playing with someone new and you will enjoy having a few hours to yourself, even if it's just to grab a book from the library and find a quiet cafe to read and enjoy a cup of coffee. If you can't afford a sitter, make good use of those visitation weekends with the ex. Don't use the entire weekend to catch up on housework and chores... be sure to use some of that time to do something you truly enjoy, something that feeds your soul and your own identity. (my favorite place to have some downtime - grab a girlfriend and a bottle of wine and paint pottery: Kiln Time)
4. Do your research.
   Whether it's finding affordable housing, a stable job, or the perfect child-care facility, don't just jump on the first thing you find. The internet is such a GREAT resource of information, but don't discount word of mouth either. Get referrals and recommendations from friends and family. Check references. And then finally you can use that information and combine it with your gut instinct to make the right decisions for your family. (resources at Parents.com: Surviving(and Thriving) as a Single Mom, 10 Way to Reduce Single Parent Stress, Single Parents' Secrets of Success)
5. Maintain a routine.
   Most likely you will be splitting one home into two, and that can be a huge adjustment for any child. The most important thing you can do for all of your sanity is to create a household routine that works for everyone and stick to it. Assign kids age-appropriate chores and develop a reward chart to encourage them to stick to it. Get up at the same time everyday (even if you don't feel like it), make plans on the weekends that you can all look forward to, even if it's just going to the park or hitting a local festival, and keep a regular bedtime that starts with a scheduled routine (bedtime snack followed by bath and teeth brushing and wrapped up with a bedtime story and/or bedtime prayers). This routine will be what your children and even you hold onto when the rest of your lives seem upside down and confusing. (GREAT and easy to download reward charts: Supernanny Reward System)
6. Do not jump into dating right away.
   I think the most tempting thing for me once I found myself single and with two free weekends a month was to jump into dating. I was newly skinny (thanks to my diet of stress starvation and lack of sleep) - and felt confident for the first time in many years. Like most newly single mom's, I wasn't use to spending those free weekends alone, so I grabbed another single girlfriend and hit the bars flirting shamelessly with men much younger than me. While it was fun and good for my self-esteem, in the long run it just made me feel more alone than before. Use that time instead to fall in love with yourself again. Take up a hobby you always wanted to do, but never had the time. Preferably something that will get you in social situations, but without the pressure of dating. Take a class or join a gym. Who knows... you might meet someone anyways, but by then you will have learned to be okay being alone too. (my favorite family-friendly gym with lots of fun classes and activities: Lifetime Fitness)
7. Treat yourself to something nice.
   I am going to tell you to stick to a budget in my next tip, but FIRST... go treat yourself. You just got through one of the most difficult times of your life and you are about to spend the next decade or more putting your life on the back burner for your children. Reward yourself for getting through it intact and having the strength and confidence to go it alone. Buy yourself a watch, the designer purse you have been drooling over, or treat yourself to a trip or spa day. (my favorite online shopping: Amazon, Red Envelope, James Avery, Ebay).
8. Create and STICK TO a Budget.
   Okay, despite what I said above, you do have to REALLY watch how you spend your money now. It's time to look at how much money you have coming in and limit what you have going out. I cannot say enough about how important this is. I learned this lesson the HARD way. (recommended site: www.mint.com)
9. Stay positive. You can do this. If you think you can't - email me for a Weekly Motivator. When you don't think you can find anything to smile about... fake it... eventually you will find it is genuine.
10. Release yourself of the guilt. You will be okay. Your kids will be okay. Your ex will be okay. Your friends and family will still love you. All you can do is your very best. Don't be a critic of yourself. Don't have regrets. Do cheer yourself on EVERYDAY. Do look forward to the future... because the power to make it great is in YOUR hands.

Stay tuned to my next article - Going from Stay-at-home Mom to Work-away-from-the-home Mom in 5 simple steps without losing your sanity. Copyright 2009 Miranda Krebbs. For more information about the author of this article, please email miranda@luckystardesigns.net.

In the midst of the storm

All around me familes are struggling financially... parents deal with increasing guilt over their parenting in the age of ADHD, Autism, Teen Violence and Prenancies... employers are trying to decide how to report profits but still pay for employee healthcare and benefits... and homeowners are struggling not only to pay their mortgages, but increasing fuel and energy costs, homeowners association fees, and grocery costs that have nearly doubled in the last few years.

Some nights I can't go to sleep with worry plaguing my every thought and emotion. How am I going to pay rent - I am already 2 weeks behind? How do I afford to move to a better neighborhood to get access to a better school for Jenna and Nate? Is my ex's emotional instability affecting their lives in a negative way, or will they be resilient enough to get through it? Will Nate grow out of his ADHD or will he forever have to maintain a strict diet and take supplements and maybe someday stimulants to have a "normal" life? How do I protect their innocence in a world of violent video games and sexual-explicit media and T.V.? And how do I balance being a good mom, a good employee, a good friend and a good sister/daughter... and yet stay true to myself and my own needs and desires as well?

I know I am not alone. Our country is going through a transition period like we have never known. We have spent decades being wasteful and self-absorbed... and now we are paying the price econimically, eviromentally, and morally. There isn't one person that our current economy isn't affecting... it's pretty much across the board and trickling into our education systems, our religious foundations and our families. It is touching us on EVERY level.

No wonder so many people in America are on SSRI's (anti-anxiety meds) these days. I am one of them... and even with my daily dose, struggle with constant anxiety about my life and my children and my career. But I am learning to simplify and try and focus on the positive.

In the midst of all of this, we have been focusing on our time as a family. Watching our attitude towards each other and people around us. The kids and I talk about how we should focus on our blessings and the wonderful life God has given us, instead of what we don't have and comparing ourselves to others. It's really working. I see a difference in my attitude and in the children. We have more smiles lately and less frustration. Life is fun, if you can focus on the joy all around you.... and joy is infectious. Smile and laugh through life and watch how others begin to do the same.