Did you know that there are about 14 million single parents here in the U.S. today? They are responsible for raising 21.6 million of our nation’s children. (based on 2005 census statistics released in 2007)
As astounding as that statistic reads, it doesn't suprise me at all. Within the last couple years, I have found myself unknowningly becoming a part of a culture that may not have national holidays or qualify me for equal-opportunity employment, but does have it's own foundation of survival in today's world: Single Parenting.
Once my divorce was final, I didn't set out to surround myself by other single parents. Yet somehow it just happened. Today, two of my best friends are single moms. And I even know my fair share of single dads that are adding to the mix. We grab coffee or the occassional coctail and invariably our conversation turns to our children and the challenges of raising them alone, with only the first, third and fifth weekends to regain our own identities back.
Of course not everyone has the standard divorce or the standard visitation schedule. And unlike me, some of my friends actually GET ALONG with thier ex. They take vacations together with the thier children and split parenting up in such an agreeable manner, that you wonder why they even divorced. (Obviously the culture of "single parenting" is a varied and complicated one).
I can't even have a 5 minute conversation with my ex-husband without needing mood-enhacing medication or a drink afterwards. (kidding, kinda).
The challenges go beyond just splitting visitation and obtaining effective communication with your ex. They encompass finding time to work full-time while still balancing laundry (mine usually gets clean, but doesn't always make it into drawers or closets), cooking healthy meals (chicken nuggets have protien - that's healthy right?), and finding time to actually interact with your children among all the chores and work (we like to play the wii together, even if it gives me motion sickness half the time). And at the end of the day, when you tuck them into their beds (that reminds me, I really need to wash their sheets this weekend while they are at their dad's)... you can take a deep breath and KNOW it's all worth it. THEY are worth it.
But let's talk about those "free" weekends. If you are a single parent like me, you are torn emotionally between worry, anxiety and sadness about those weekends apart and relief and guilt because you really NEED that time away from them. When else can you grocery shop without grubby little hands throwing random junk into the cart? Those weekends are the only time I have to get the rare mani/pedi or haircut, go out for lunch with adults and not have to remind someone to use their table manners. (Okay sometimes I still remind my adult friends to use table manners. Turning the "mom brain" off is harder than you think. It usually takes me atleast 2 glasses of wine.) And I will admit it the hard fact is sometimes I only get through the week with the kids because I know my free weekend is coming up.
Eventually what happens is this: you begin to feel the urge to date again. Maybe the stress of the divorce allowed you to lose that 30 lbs of baby fat you have been carrying for 5 years. You feel better without the extra wieght of not only that baby fat, but also the emotional baggage that you carried around with you during your marriage and dumped once that decree was signed. You feel like you can reinvent yourself and your life and maybe that PERFECT PERSON is out there for you.
My friends have traversed into the many mediums of dating. Match.com, eHarmony, church groups aimed at single adults and even stalking the health food aisle at the grocery store.
Dating can be a confusing and exciting time in anyone's life, but for the single parent, it is rife with second-guessing, self-depreciation, guilt, unrequited desire and personal agony. Sounds fun huh? Ha. Seriously, it CAN be. But it can also be complete misery.
One of the first challenges I faced was actually meeting people worthy of dating. My entire social network was comprised of other married couples that use to attend dinner parties with my ex and I. Now I was the stereotypical "third wheel." Ugh. Not fun.
In my twenties, I would just grab a single girlfriend and we would head to a local watering hole and find eligible bachelors to buy us drinks. In my 30's, there were no single girlfriends... and even if there was, going to the bar and talking it up with strangers over drinks wasn't really as appealing anymore. Trust me. I tried it. I usually just came home feeling depressed and old.
I have a good friend that did the whole on-line dating thing. It was great for her, cause when her child wasn't around, she really didn't feel like cooking. So she would just arrange for a date, usually with a succesful business man, and head to a fancy restaurant for a free meal. All she had to do was shower, put some make up on and make conversation. She rarely went out with anyone on a second date, because that's when the pressure was put on for more, and that's not what she wanted... she just wanted company over dinner and some good food. It worked for her. And occassionally her fabulousness would draw someone in to want more, but usually once she made it clear that her daughter came first and always would, the male ego went screaming out of the room. You would think she had a communicable disease, not just an adorable child at home. She went into each potential date/relationship letting the other person know the expectations and where they stood and it worked for her. She weeded out the guys that weren't in it for the same things she was, and it helped her realize what was important to her in a relationship.
Now, you may not have that same sense of self confidence. I will admit, this particular friend is in a league all her own when it comes to men and dating. She knew from the get-go what she wanted and where her priorities were. Not all of us are that certain or steadfast in our goals. But it certainly helps if you have a good idea of what they are. Even if you do tweek them along the way.
Another woman I know has two teenage sons. She has basically been single since the youngest was a baby. Now they are both grown and nearly out of the house and she finds herself with an identity again - one outside of "business woman" and "working mom." She chose a long time ago to focus her time and energy on her career and her boys and not let dating be a priority. However, now she is entering a new phase in her life, one that allows her to enjoy the possibility of finding Mr. Right. But after being out of the dating pool for so long, how do you recognize Mr. Right in the midst of the overabundance of Mr. Right-Nows? Especially when you are out of practice and looking for the training wheels.
Yes. I just compared dating to riding a bike. Geez, here comes the standard cliches, right? Ha. I promise I won't go there. Actually, I say skip the bike... get a motarized scooter and stop working so hard. Ha.
Don't go out seeking men/love/sex out. It will only end in frustration on your part. Realize that there is so much at stake when you date as a single parent. What is the saying "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Well, just think how a broken ego or heart is going to affect your parenting. Kids are very intuitive. So be smart about dating to protect the emotional security of not only yourself, but your children too.
1. Know what you want and what you are willing to give. Obviously your kids come #1. There are going to be those guys out there that will say "Just get a sitter, come out with me for drinks on Wednesday." Wiegh what you are giving up. Time with your children. Money for the sitter. Maybe you are spreading yourself too thin. Don't compromise yourself or your ideals for your life, just to have a man be a part of it.
2. Make a plan for how serious you are willing to get if you do meet someone with potential. How long will you have to date before he can (a) sleep over, (b) meet your children, (c) meet your family, (d) move in. Think about these things NOW before you start dating so you aren't caught off gaurd when the conversation comes up. And once you make those decisions, stick to your convictions about them. You know what is best for your family and when someone should be allowed into the inner sanctum. Don't compromise that for anyone.
3. Don't let your children get lost in the newness of a relationship. It's easy to take their love and presence for granted and want to be a little selfish for once. I mean, you have probably given up a LOT for them throughout their life. It is time for you to focus on yourself and your happiness, but don't forget that this can be a confusing and scary time for them too. Make sure they KNOW that THEY are your first priority. Don't break plans with them to go on a date. Try and limit your conversations with that significant other until after they are in bed, or while they are doing something else, so they don't feel like they have to compete for your attention. When it's time for them to meet the special guy, sit them down and prepare them for it. Explain how special this person is, but remind them that you love them more than anything and they will always come first. And most of all, don't confide in them about your relationship. Remind them that they are children and their job is to have fun, not to worry about mommy.
4. Have fun. Don't rush into something deep and serious straight away. Pick someone to hang out with that shares your interests and basic foundation about life. Enjoy the conversation, do new things, be open to this new exerience, but don't jump into anything too quickly.
5. Be Careful and Trust your Instincts. Do your research. It may seem ultra paranoid to run a background check on someone you are dating, but do it anyways. Google them. Look up their address and see who else lives there. Look up their facebook and myspace or other social network. Be aware of the way they present themselves to others and if it's in line with what you want. He could be married, he could be a registered sex offender, he could just be some unemployed loser looking for a meal ticket. I am not saying to be distrustful, just be aware. The worst thing you can do is fall in love with someone only to find out they are not who they presented themselves to be. Statistically, married men do NOT leave their wives for their mistresses. And even if they do, statistically it means they will probably cheat on you as well. It's best that you don't even find yourself on that path. Protect you and your children before you invest your heart into it.
6. Establish your intimacy rules. Will you let your new paramour spend the night? Hold hands or kiss in front of the kids? These are the questions you need to ask yourself when you find someone that you want to get serious with. Obviously, staying over is not something you would want to allow with someone you are only casually dating. So think about those things first and make your mind up before you find yourself compromising your own convictions in a moment of passion.
If you find the right person to move forward with in a relationship, it can be fulfilling and exciting. For you and your kids. Just know what to expect up front, communicate that to your potential partner and reassure your children of your love for them at every possible moment.
Happy Dating!
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