One day at a time

Forgiveness is a word I've known and lived since the earliest moment I can remember. If you have read my blog in the past, you know that my life has been one full of betrayal by important people in my life. But you also know that I have no regrets, as each moment taught me something about myself and others. Each moment gave me strentgth and greater understanding about life and love.

Tomorrow I turn 34 years old. By some standards, I am in my prime. By others, I am heading over "that" hill. Do I feel my 34 years? Yes and no. I hope I don't look it. Ha.

At this age, it can be easy to get wrapped up in the "what ifs", broken dreams and promises, and feel negativity about where life has taken you. I am guilty of succombing to such self-defeating thoughts a time or two. It's so much easier to curl up on a lonely night with a bottle of wine and cry bitter tears about where life has taken you. It's easier than holding your head high and putting together a plan to still achieve the dreams of your youth, if it's still what you want from life.

So on the eve of 34, I am asking myself what dreams are still pertinant. What do I want to be when I grow up? Where do I want my life to go? How has life shaped and prepared me for what is ahead? Who do I want to share the path with? Who is in my life that creates unnecessary baggage and should be left behind in the past?

I feel good about what is in front of me. I don't have all the answers. I don't know what God has in store for my life. But I know that with a positive attitude, a little faith and hard work... whatever life brings me will be just right.

The transition from stay-at-home-mom to working mom.

One of the most difficult things about becoming a single parent for me was the need to go back to work. I had worked hard pre-kids to make a career for myself, I was on my way to Assistant Vice President of Marketing for a Financial Services company when I decided it was time to leave the workforce and stay at home fulltime. My daughter was 3 years old and my son wasn't quite 1 yet.

I think most stay at home moms will tell you it is the hardest job they have ever undertaken... going from corporate dinners and deadlines to playdates and nap schedules. But is also rewarding and precious. That time with your children can drive you crazy and make you count your blessings all at the same time.

Unfortunately, my time as a stay at home mom came to an end long before I was ready for it to. Once the divorce was inevitable, I found myself looking for a job with dread and a feeling of self-depreciation. I didn't feel like I had anything left to offer the corporate world after taking a few years off and relaxing my carefully honed marketing skills. Who would want to hire someone with a huge gap in their resume? Would I be able to pick up where I left off, or was I facing the uphill battle that I had right out of college, all over again?

Suprisingly, going back to work was very much like getting back on a bike after not riding for years. Unsteady at first, a little wobbly, but then feeling the sense of freedom and accomplishment when you realize that you still have what it takes and you can just let go and enjoy the ride.

1. Sit down and talk to the kids about it. This isn't only a HUGE change for you, it will be for them too. Be enthusiastic... talk about all the great friends they will meet at the childcare facility you chose. Explain that the weekends will be your special time together and make a list of all the weekend activities you want to do - to give everyone something to look forward to. (Some fun links for family-friendly activities in DFW: About.com, Fun things to do in Texas, Nick's Parent Connect Find It, Associated Content on Dallas, Visit Dallas.com, Tour Texas.com, Uptake.com, Daily Candy for Dallas.)

2. Research your career field for industry news and changes. No matter how long you have been out of the workforce, there most likely have been changes that you need to be aware of. Do some research and study industry trends. The added information will be helpful in not only searching for a job, but when you are in your interviews. You might even find that the industry you were in wasn't a good fit for you and you are ready to consider a career change. This is the perfect time. The more prepared you are, the more confident you will feel. (Monster, Careerbuilder, Jobing.com - some of the most well-respected career sites online).

3. Network. Polish up that resume and send it to everyone you know. Call the University that you got your degree from. Most alums have free resources at the career centers of their alma mater. Utilize websites like LinkedIn and Facebook to connect with old collegues and friends in your industry.

4. Set up a schedule. Most likely you will be working an 8 to 5 workweek. Even before you start that new job, set up a schedule at home to get everyone use to it. Get up early and get everyone ready for the day, make bedtime ealier too, with a routine that includes the same steps each night. Be sure to delegate age appropriate chores to each child. Even a younger child can put away the silverware from the dishwasher or fold wash rags from the laundry. And in the midst of scheduling everything, be sure to set aside some time each evening to just spend with your children, sharing their day and playing or working on a project. They will need your attention more than ever once you are working full time to help them feel secure and confident in this new world. If you have to, write the schedule and chores on a large poster board and put in the kitchen where everyone can see it. (Family schedule templates can be found here: Paauwerfully Organized and About.com)

5. Set your expectations and communicate them to your employer. Be realistic and know that you won't be able to attend EVERY school function or have a perfectly organized and clean home. There will be activities that are missed and clutter that accumulates. Adjust your expectations to be able to deal with these changes. When you go into your new employer, make a list of the things you cannot be flexible on for them (i.e. a child's illness, the school christmas program, annual family reunion in July, being home at a certain time in the evenings), then your employer will feel like you are up-front, organized and dedicated to your responbilities - just the kind of employee they want. (See this great article on What Employer's Want).

Going from staying at home to working full time will be an adjustment for everyone, but don't let it discourage you. There are a lot of positives to working, focus on them (lunch with adults each day, a sense of accomplishment that work can bring, disposible income to do more activities with your children on the weekends, etc) and don't look back on your time at home with regret or longing. Be happy that you had that time and experience and be excited about the new chapter in your life and all the new experiences it will bring.

This article was cross-posted from Examiner.com.

How I survived the first year of being a single mom

(cross posted from Single Parenting Examiner)

You can be a SUPER Mom too!

Mother's Day is around the corner and it got me to thinking about how I take for granted what an important job I do each day. Not my jobs as a writer, photographer, event planner or web designer... I am talking about the under-appreciated but elite status of "Mommy".

Let's rewind a bit before I get to my main point of this article, which is sharing with you all how I survived the first year of being a single parent... I want to tell you about what life was like before I was doing this job solo.

I remember my first mother's day like it was yesterday. It was so exciting to me. My daughter had JUST turned one (the DAY before actually). I was excited to see what my dear husband would present me with that morning. My daughter came toddling into the room (just having learned to walk) and presented me with a card. My husband was behind her with a big proud smile on his face and a beautifully wrapped gift in his hands.

Here it was. My moment of appreciation for my first year on the job. I opened the card and read the Hallmark choice my spouse had picked for me and the tiny scribble at the bottom that my daughter had carefully drawn. I felt tears burn the back of my eyes at this long awaited moment. And then confusion muddled my brain as I saw the note from him at the bottom: "Mama! Make me some rice!"

I understand now that in his own way that this was his way of being funny, his answer later was "Hey, you're not MY mom." However, at the time I was so disappointed when I opened the beautiful gift to find an ordinary old rice steamer. My first mother's day gift. A kitchen appliance that I didn't even really need. Sigh.

Now years later, I see that first mother's day would be symbolic of the years ahead of me. A husband that would never really "get" nor "appreciate" me (which is one of the many reasons he is an EX-husband now, ha)... children that wanted nothing more than to see me smile, even if it was just from a scribble at the bottom of a paper... and that the demands of motherhood would always come before personal happiness and freedom, but would often lead to it anyways.

Later that day, I DID make Jenna some rice in our new steamer, and we had fun figuring it out together and eating some rice and chicken as a family. Despite my disappointment, it ended up being a meaningful and memorable day.

So, in honor of mother's day, I am going to share with you the top 10 things you should focus on when starting out down the path of being a Single Super Mom:

1. Adjust your expectations.
   If you are like me, you will want to maintain the same standard of living you had when you were a two-parent and two-income family. You will quickly learn that you cannot exist with the same levels of expectations you had when you were a duo... you are now a solo super mom... the house will be messier, your bank account will have a lower balance, you will be more tired, more stressed, find less time for yourself. Your kids will be naughtier. You will get less sleep. You will work harder than you ever have in your life. You will NOT complete your first year as a single parent as the same person you started it... It WILL change you. So go into it expecting change and adjustment around every corner and you will be much better off with that reality in your mind. (recommended site: www.singlemom.com)
2. Surround yourself with a strong network of friends and family.
   So many women find themselves alienating themselves after a divorce or separation. This is partly because friends can be the worst casualty of a divorce. It's hard for friends of couples to pick sides, so often they don't... they just lose touch. But you will find out who your REAL friends are during this time. They are the ones that pick up the phone and call for no other reason than to check on you. They are the ones that offer to babysit so you can have an hour to grocery shop by yourself. They are the ones that will bring a casserole for the kids and a bottle of wine for you and offer to let you sit and drink the wine while she feeds the kids. Don't push these friends away, even if your instinct is to hibernate from the world at first. These are the people that will help you up when you are down. And you will need supportive friends and family as you journey through single parenting more than you ever have before in your life. (recommended sites for staying in touch with friends and family: Facebook, Gmail, share photos on-line Photobucket, keep in touch by creating a blog at Blogger or Vox).
3. Carve out time for yourself.
   Even married moms find themselves losing their own identities in the midst of motherhood. You go to sleep one night a strong independent and creative woman one night and find yourself waking up with no other identity than butt and nose wiper, housekeeper, short order cook and taxi driver. And once you become a single parent, there is no one to share these duties with, so you find yourself hitting the floor running from the time you wake up, until the time you hit the sack late that night. Find a good sitter and book her at least once a month for a couple of hours. The kids will enjoy playing with someone new and you will enjoy having a few hours to yourself, even if it's just to grab a book from the library and find a quiet cafe to read and enjoy a cup of coffee. If you can't afford a sitter, make good use of those visitation weekends with the ex. Don't use the entire weekend to catch up on housework and chores... be sure to use some of that time to do something you truly enjoy, something that feeds your soul and your own identity. (my favorite place to have some downtime - grab a girlfriend and a bottle of wine and paint pottery: Kiln Time)
4. Do your research.
   Whether it's finding affordable housing, a stable job, or the perfect child-care facility, don't just jump on the first thing you find. The internet is such a GREAT resource of information, but don't discount word of mouth either. Get referrals and recommendations from friends and family. Check references. And then finally you can use that information and combine it with your gut instinct to make the right decisions for your family. (resources at Parents.com: Surviving(and Thriving) as a Single Mom, 10 Way to Reduce Single Parent Stress, Single Parents' Secrets of Success)
5. Maintain a routine.
   Most likely you will be splitting one home into two, and that can be a huge adjustment for any child. The most important thing you can do for all of your sanity is to create a household routine that works for everyone and stick to it. Assign kids age-appropriate chores and develop a reward chart to encourage them to stick to it. Get up at the same time everyday (even if you don't feel like it), make plans on the weekends that you can all look forward to, even if it's just going to the park or hitting a local festival, and keep a regular bedtime that starts with a scheduled routine (bedtime snack followed by bath and teeth brushing and wrapped up with a bedtime story and/or bedtime prayers). This routine will be what your children and even you hold onto when the rest of your lives seem upside down and confusing. (GREAT and easy to download reward charts: Supernanny Reward System)
6. Do not jump into dating right away.
   I think the most tempting thing for me once I found myself single and with two free weekends a month was to jump into dating. I was newly skinny (thanks to my diet of stress starvation and lack of sleep) - and felt confident for the first time in many years. Like most newly single mom's, I wasn't use to spending those free weekends alone, so I grabbed another single girlfriend and hit the bars flirting shamelessly with men much younger than me. While it was fun and good for my self-esteem, in the long run it just made me feel more alone than before. Use that time instead to fall in love with yourself again. Take up a hobby you always wanted to do, but never had the time. Preferably something that will get you in social situations, but without the pressure of dating. Take a class or join a gym. Who knows... you might meet someone anyways, but by then you will have learned to be okay being alone too. (my favorite family-friendly gym with lots of fun classes and activities: Lifetime Fitness)
7. Treat yourself to something nice.
   I am going to tell you to stick to a budget in my next tip, but FIRST... go treat yourself. You just got through one of the most difficult times of your life and you are about to spend the next decade or more putting your life on the back burner for your children. Reward yourself for getting through it intact and having the strength and confidence to go it alone. Buy yourself a watch, the designer purse you have been drooling over, or treat yourself to a trip or spa day. (my favorite online shopping: Amazon, Red Envelope, James Avery, Ebay).
8. Create and STICK TO a Budget.
   Okay, despite what I said above, you do have to REALLY watch how you spend your money now. It's time to look at how much money you have coming in and limit what you have going out. I cannot say enough about how important this is. I learned this lesson the HARD way. (recommended site: www.mint.com)
9. Stay positive. You can do this. If you think you can't - email me for a Weekly Motivator. When you don't think you can find anything to smile about... fake it... eventually you will find it is genuine.
10. Release yourself of the guilt. You will be okay. Your kids will be okay. Your ex will be okay. Your friends and family will still love you. All you can do is your very best. Don't be a critic of yourself. Don't have regrets. Do cheer yourself on EVERYDAY. Do look forward to the future... because the power to make it great is in YOUR hands.

Stay tuned to my next article - Going from Stay-at-home Mom to Work-away-from-the-home Mom in 5 simple steps without losing your sanity. Copyright 2009 Miranda Krebbs. For more information about the author of this article, please email miranda@luckystardesigns.net.

Frantically, I searched through drawers looking for green shirts. Why? Because upon awaking this morning, my darling girl stated "Oh yeah, Mom, today we can wear jeans and a green shirt instead of our uniforms." It was Earth Day.

So at 10 minutes til the time we need to be getting in the car to head to school, I am rushing around looking for a green shirt. Green isn't a color that my kids are fond of buying in clothes... luckily I had picked out a "Love Her" Earth Day tshirt for Nate (see picture below) this past weekend, but not knowing Jenna would have a pass from having to wear her school uniform, it didn't occur to me to get her one. I should have known better.

In a final act of desperation, I hit my closet and picked out a tshirt that was a bit too small for me that I had custom-made a few years ago. It was green with a silver Swarovski crystal cross on the front. A little bling-y for first grade, but it would have to do. Jenna LOVED it of course.

Of course, Nate won't be left out and is begging for his new shirt. Which I haven't washed yet.

So, my contribution to Earth Day today? Water Conservation. I sent my kid to school in clothes he wore this weekend. Ha.

Oh and by the way... I realized I like green a LOT... as I had plenty of green shirts to choose from. Must be because I am Irish. Yeah. That's it.

Best part? My Earth Day bouquet from Jenna this morning as we rushed out the door.

Don't forget the three R's peeps: Reduce, Re-use, Recycle.

Nate in his green shirt:


My Earth Day Bouquet:

Old stuff...

I have been stuck at home with a crazy case of sinus infection and chest cold. Just wiping me out. The other day I had to return the bunny costume from our Easter Event at work, so I took Jenna to school and instead of taking Nate (he's only in pre-school, nothing crazy), I decided to take him with me and drop him off on my way back to home (i.e. my bed for more nyquil and sleep).

Of course, upon arriving at the Costume Store that was almost all the way in Oklahoma, we found out we were 30 minutes early. I looked around for something to do while we waited and saw that the Antique Mall next door was open. So I took Nate by the hand and told him where we were going.

Nate: What are Antikies Mommy?
Me: Um, Antiques are OLD things that people like to still buy.
Nate: Like Old Navy?
Me: (chuckle), um no... like REALLY old stuff... things that are old fashioned
Nate: Are they dirty and dusty?
Me: sometimes, but still really cool, I'll show you.

So we walk in... in the only two customers in this HUGE 5 room storefront, stock full of every kind of antique you could imagine, complete with a tea room in the back. It was awesome!

I walked around (after threatening Nate to not touch anything or I'd kill him if I had to pay $200 for a 1940's rusted hair pin if he broke it). I was kinda browsing for anything interesting to use as a photo prop, but everything was really out of my price range.

What surprised me was Nate's complete enthusiasm. He kept saying: "Mommy look at this!" and then showing me some dusty trinket that he found interesting. I felt a bubble of pride well up in me.

Old stuff IS cool. But I think most kids today don't get that... consumed with their Ipods, laptops, Wii's and Iphones... well a dusty old stereo or a tin of marbles don't hold the same excitement to them.

But here was my little boy, not quite 5, asking for a bright red rotary phone for his birthday (which by the way was priced at $150... seriously?!) ... just because he thought it was cool. Then he found an old camera, an old stereo, an old rocking chair... all the same response "MOMMY! Look at this! Can I have it for my birthday?!" I would exclaim at each and tell him about what year they came from and what age I was (if I was even born) or what age his grandmother was when they used it... and then tell him what we used now instead. He was genuinly interested.

As we left, I was kinda sad that I couldn't afford that shiny red rotary phone... even though we don't even have a land line... it would have been fun to play with for the kids and made a great photo prop. Oh well, it was fun looking and bonding with my little guy, who's growing up so fast everyday.

Heck, I might just get on Ebay or Craigslist and see what kind of old treasure I can find him.