Language - It's meaning has POWER

I've been thinking a lot lately about language.  We are inundated by it daily.  TV, Radio, our friends, our family, our co-workers... even magazines, the internet, Facebook, Pinterest and Twitter play into my thoughts.  And as parents, we are the first examples of language for our children.  You know, that group of shorties that represent our future world leaders?

My children are 10, 8 and 7 months.  The oldest one is starting to experiment with language as a pre-teen (and mostly failing to grasp the influence she has over her brothers by using it), my middle child is learning about language in his speech classes to fix a slight lisp, and my youngest is just simply LEARNING about language because he can't talk yet.

Our language, the words we use, the body language we convey it with, even the cell phone texts/tweets/facebook messages we send... have POWER.

The other day my middle was acting a little nutty (as he sometimes does do to his ADHD and being a BOY).  I caught myself as I started to say "Settle down, you are acting like a ..." wait, did I really almost call my son a 'TARD?!?!  Where the heck did that COME from??  I am hugely against using negative words in everyday slang... like "TARD", "That's GAY", "Don't be a Baby!"... to me these are taking very special people in our world and saying they are "bad" because we use their titles in negative language.  And here I was, about to say something that I was 100% fundamentally against. 

Again.  I asked myself, WHERE did this come FROM?  How did it so easily jump into my head and almost out of my lips?!  

All I can think is that we are inundated with language from the time we get up until the time we go to bed.  I read hundreds (maybe thousands) of status updates on Facebook and Twitter each day.  I read magazines, watch the news and a select few TV shows and listen to radio nearly all day.  Words are constantly entering my head and ears in almost unconscious ways.  I know I've heard teens call each other 'Tards and exclaim "that's so gay!" at least daily via social media and other communication vehicles.  It's possible that these phrases don't even register in my brain anymore, they are like hearing "I had a crappy day today", "That was so cool, it was the SHIT", "Damn I am hungry!" ... or like my 10 year old gets chastised for saying almost daily: "That's friggin stupid!" 

But I want to put a stop to our numbing response to negative language.  I don't want my kids to think it's okay to use slang to hurt others, even in unconcious ways.

And I want to remove these and other words from my vocabulary as well.  It goes further than just cursing (which I need to work on as well).  I want to go back to the mantra, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all".  Is it really necessary to scream at the driver that just cut you off in traffic?  He can't hear you.  And you don't know what his day was like.  Maybe he's rushing from work to spend time with his wife that is in the hospital.  Or maybe his kid just got hurt at baseball practice and he needs to get there quickly.  Granted, maybe he is just a jerk that thinks his time is more valuable than yours, but regardless, screaming a malicious name or statement at him doesn't do anyting to fix him, and instead might be influencing your kids in negative ways when they hear you.  Next time your son pushes your daughter to get to the sink first to wash hands, is it okay for her to say "Hey stupid!  Watch where you are going!" ??  No, you don't want her to say that, so really we should say it either.  Right?

 

Here is my challenge.  Start listening to your words.  Pause before you speak, before you type the next status update or tweet.  Is the words you are conveying positive in nature?  Do they have unnecessary adverbs?  Isn't it just as easy and effective to say "Today wasn't my favorite, hoping tomorrow is better" as it is to say "Today was a piece of crap and I friggin' hope tomorrow doesn't suck too"?   

Furthermore,  I challenge parents take a more active role in what your kids are watching, listening to and saying themselves.  It's no fun being the UNCOOL parent, but it's our job to filter and sensor our children until they are old enough to make judgements about the world through a foundation of values and morals that WE as PARENTS instill in them.  My hope is when they aren't with you, and they are tempted to watch and say things you don't approve of, they will use that foundation to make good decisions about language. 

I am working on it day-by-day and word-by-word.  I am doing it because our children are listening, watching and mimicking who we are, how we act and what we do.  Do we want our future to be influenced by a bunch of kids that learned what the world was about via Spongebob Squarepants, Family Guy and Futurama? 

In this world of anti-bullying campaigns, gun-control law debates and mental illness at an all time high, maybe the answer is simple.  Language, my friends, has POWER.  Power to tear down and power to build up.  Power to teach and power to alienate.  Power to share love and power to spur on hate.  Let's put LOVE back in our language.  

Let's teach our children to use language to communicate that love to everyone they meet.  The new kid in school.  The grouchy teacher that yells in class.  The younger sibling that annoys them daily.  The kid that seems different and uncool.  The adult that seems angry and sad.  The grandparent that everyone forgets to visit.  

By teaching our kids these important lessons, we might even learn something ourselves.  We might even like who we become as a result.  At the very least, people around us will be happier, and so will we. 

How I survived the first year of being a single mom

(cross posted from Single Parenting Examiner)

You can be a SUPER Mom too!

Mother's Day is around the corner and it got me to thinking about how I take for granted what an important job I do each day. Not my jobs as a writer, photographer, event planner or web designer... I am talking about the under-appreciated but elite status of "Mommy".

Let's rewind a bit before I get to my main point of this article, which is sharing with you all how I survived the first year of being a single parent... I want to tell you about what life was like before I was doing this job solo.

I remember my first mother's day like it was yesterday. It was so exciting to me. My daughter had JUST turned one (the DAY before actually). I was excited to see what my dear husband would present me with that morning. My daughter came toddling into the room (just having learned to walk) and presented me with a card. My husband was behind her with a big proud smile on his face and a beautifully wrapped gift in his hands.

Here it was. My moment of appreciation for my first year on the job. I opened the card and read the Hallmark choice my spouse had picked for me and the tiny scribble at the bottom that my daughter had carefully drawn. I felt tears burn the back of my eyes at this long awaited moment. And then confusion muddled my brain as I saw the note from him at the bottom: "Mama! Make me some rice!"

I understand now that in his own way that this was his way of being funny, his answer later was "Hey, you're not MY mom." However, at the time I was so disappointed when I opened the beautiful gift to find an ordinary old rice steamer. My first mother's day gift. A kitchen appliance that I didn't even really need. Sigh.

Now years later, I see that first mother's day would be symbolic of the years ahead of me. A husband that would never really "get" nor "appreciate" me (which is one of the many reasons he is an EX-husband now, ha)... children that wanted nothing more than to see me smile, even if it was just from a scribble at the bottom of a paper... and that the demands of motherhood would always come before personal happiness and freedom, but would often lead to it anyways.

Later that day, I DID make Jenna some rice in our new steamer, and we had fun figuring it out together and eating some rice and chicken as a family. Despite my disappointment, it ended up being a meaningful and memorable day.

So, in honor of mother's day, I am going to share with you the top 10 things you should focus on when starting out down the path of being a Single Super Mom:

1. Adjust your expectations.
   If you are like me, you will want to maintain the same standard of living you had when you were a two-parent and two-income family. You will quickly learn that you cannot exist with the same levels of expectations you had when you were a duo... you are now a solo super mom... the house will be messier, your bank account will have a lower balance, you will be more tired, more stressed, find less time for yourself. Your kids will be naughtier. You will get less sleep. You will work harder than you ever have in your life. You will NOT complete your first year as a single parent as the same person you started it... It WILL change you. So go into it expecting change and adjustment around every corner and you will be much better off with that reality in your mind. (recommended site: www.singlemom.com)
2. Surround yourself with a strong network of friends and family.
   So many women find themselves alienating themselves after a divorce or separation. This is partly because friends can be the worst casualty of a divorce. It's hard for friends of couples to pick sides, so often they don't... they just lose touch. But you will find out who your REAL friends are during this time. They are the ones that pick up the phone and call for no other reason than to check on you. They are the ones that offer to babysit so you can have an hour to grocery shop by yourself. They are the ones that will bring a casserole for the kids and a bottle of wine for you and offer to let you sit and drink the wine while she feeds the kids. Don't push these friends away, even if your instinct is to hibernate from the world at first. These are the people that will help you up when you are down. And you will need supportive friends and family as you journey through single parenting more than you ever have before in your life. (recommended sites for staying in touch with friends and family: Facebook, Gmail, share photos on-line Photobucket, keep in touch by creating a blog at Blogger or Vox).
3. Carve out time for yourself.
   Even married moms find themselves losing their own identities in the midst of motherhood. You go to sleep one night a strong independent and creative woman one night and find yourself waking up with no other identity than butt and nose wiper, housekeeper, short order cook and taxi driver. And once you become a single parent, there is no one to share these duties with, so you find yourself hitting the floor running from the time you wake up, until the time you hit the sack late that night. Find a good sitter and book her at least once a month for a couple of hours. The kids will enjoy playing with someone new and you will enjoy having a few hours to yourself, even if it's just to grab a book from the library and find a quiet cafe to read and enjoy a cup of coffee. If you can't afford a sitter, make good use of those visitation weekends with the ex. Don't use the entire weekend to catch up on housework and chores... be sure to use some of that time to do something you truly enjoy, something that feeds your soul and your own identity. (my favorite place to have some downtime - grab a girlfriend and a bottle of wine and paint pottery: Kiln Time)
4. Do your research.
   Whether it's finding affordable housing, a stable job, or the perfect child-care facility, don't just jump on the first thing you find. The internet is such a GREAT resource of information, but don't discount word of mouth either. Get referrals and recommendations from friends and family. Check references. And then finally you can use that information and combine it with your gut instinct to make the right decisions for your family. (resources at Parents.com: Surviving(and Thriving) as a Single Mom, 10 Way to Reduce Single Parent Stress, Single Parents' Secrets of Success)
5. Maintain a routine.
   Most likely you will be splitting one home into two, and that can be a huge adjustment for any child. The most important thing you can do for all of your sanity is to create a household routine that works for everyone and stick to it. Assign kids age-appropriate chores and develop a reward chart to encourage them to stick to it. Get up at the same time everyday (even if you don't feel like it), make plans on the weekends that you can all look forward to, even if it's just going to the park or hitting a local festival, and keep a regular bedtime that starts with a scheduled routine (bedtime snack followed by bath and teeth brushing and wrapped up with a bedtime story and/or bedtime prayers). This routine will be what your children and even you hold onto when the rest of your lives seem upside down and confusing. (GREAT and easy to download reward charts: Supernanny Reward System)
6. Do not jump into dating right away.
   I think the most tempting thing for me once I found myself single and with two free weekends a month was to jump into dating. I was newly skinny (thanks to my diet of stress starvation and lack of sleep) - and felt confident for the first time in many years. Like most newly single mom's, I wasn't use to spending those free weekends alone, so I grabbed another single girlfriend and hit the bars flirting shamelessly with men much younger than me. While it was fun and good for my self-esteem, in the long run it just made me feel more alone than before. Use that time instead to fall in love with yourself again. Take up a hobby you always wanted to do, but never had the time. Preferably something that will get you in social situations, but without the pressure of dating. Take a class or join a gym. Who knows... you might meet someone anyways, but by then you will have learned to be okay being alone too. (my favorite family-friendly gym with lots of fun classes and activities: Lifetime Fitness)
7. Treat yourself to something nice.
   I am going to tell you to stick to a budget in my next tip, but FIRST... go treat yourself. You just got through one of the most difficult times of your life and you are about to spend the next decade or more putting your life on the back burner for your children. Reward yourself for getting through it intact and having the strength and confidence to go it alone. Buy yourself a watch, the designer purse you have been drooling over, or treat yourself to a trip or spa day. (my favorite online shopping: Amazon, Red Envelope, James Avery, Ebay).
8. Create and STICK TO a Budget.
   Okay, despite what I said above, you do have to REALLY watch how you spend your money now. It's time to look at how much money you have coming in and limit what you have going out. I cannot say enough about how important this is. I learned this lesson the HARD way. (recommended site: www.mint.com)
9. Stay positive. You can do this. If you think you can't - email me for a Weekly Motivator. When you don't think you can find anything to smile about... fake it... eventually you will find it is genuine.
10. Release yourself of the guilt. You will be okay. Your kids will be okay. Your ex will be okay. Your friends and family will still love you. All you can do is your very best. Don't be a critic of yourself. Don't have regrets. Do cheer yourself on EVERYDAY. Do look forward to the future... because the power to make it great is in YOUR hands.

Stay tuned to my next article - Going from Stay-at-home Mom to Work-away-from-the-home Mom in 5 simple steps without losing your sanity. Copyright 2009 Miranda Krebbs. For more information about the author of this article, please email miranda@luckystardesigns.net.